silencevsnoise

So I'm out of hospital after what seems to have been a successful operation. I'm now recuperating with my Mum who's look after me well. I'm pain free although I'm continuing to take the painkillers they gave me just in case. All I need to do is exercise a bit, rest and hope the doctor is happy with my progress when I see him again in 2 weeks time.

So my operation is tomorrow and I report to the hospital first thing in the morning. Fingers crossed I come out of the anesthetic a changed man. Hopefully I can be friendly and flirty with the nurses and actually enjoy the time I'm in there.

I'm actually looking forward to the break. I've not had a proper holiday this year and have been struggling around on crutches since last Christmas which is physically and emotionally challenging. Hopefully I'll get down to my Mum and Dad's and be looked after for a bit whilst I recover.

In other news I've realised I've got this thing for vulnerable people who are just like me. Something today triggered off the thought in my head. I don't know if it's an empathy thing or what. My girlfriend from the US had serious issues in her life and we got on like a house on fire.

Yesterday started off pretty miserably. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed and didn't do so until about 1.50pm. I made a trip to the supermarket and dropped some old clothes off at the charity shop. I also picked up some much needed petrol. Then I settled down and listened to the football on the radio.

In the evening I went out to the Sexy Circus Sideshow. I really enjoyed it despite going alone. It was my first burlesque based event and I was pleased to see a mixture of ages and sexes in the crowd. It's sexy, funny, good old fashioned fun, very well put together and everybody seemed to enjoy themselves.

I got home just after midnight and watched Arsenal on Match Of The Day which I had recorded whilst I was out.

I slept on the sofa last night and got up a little after 10am. I watched a few other programmes I recorded last night, did some washing, have just watched a DVD and done my ironing so it's turned into a productive weekend after all and it's only 5.30pm

What an end to a bad week. I found out at lunchtime when checking my myspace that the girl I was seeing in America last year has just gotten engaged. She wrote to me and told me about it which I thought was very fair of her.

Still it's a kick in the bollocks. She was the first person I ever really connected completely with. I think I loved her if I dare say it. So it's taken me aback. I know the guy she's with treats her well and that she's really into him so it's good for her and whilst I've moved on, I've clearly not moved far enough since our time together.

Now I can't get her out of my mind. I'm sure things would have been immensely different had there not have been an Ocean between us. I can only hope there's someone else out there like her for me.

So now I've got to try and put this behind me and face the weekend ahead. Joy :-/

So I’ve neglected my livejournal for long enough and it’s time I write again, just to get out what’s on the inside.


Back in my early days on #bus when mIRC was all shiny and new to me, I used to use the signoff “Life Ain’t So Shitty” which is the title of a Blind Melon song. It went well with my Blind Melon associated nicknames.

Well now life is really shitty and I don’t know how it got like this or what to do about it. I struggle to put into words exactly what is going on, why and why I can’t get myself out of this position. I’m in such a state that I can’t even vent about it properly. I just kind of shrug my shoulders and get on with things. I’m feeling really urgy, but am determined not to act of the feelings and go down that spiral again.

The one thing I can highlight above all others which has put me in this state is that I’m lonely and isolated. I live a near solitary life, a hermit like existence if you like. I come out each work week day to go to work, then I go home and rarely have any interaction with anyone. My Mum or Dad may phone, I may go on internet forums to waste some time and keep up with what’s going on, but I’m missing any real stimulation from my peer group.

I am a unique individual, I am very independent and I am also shy and these factors all add to my woes. I’ve tried finding friends irl, but these really turn out to be just acquaintances and the friends that I did have (from University etc) see to be leaving me behind. Unless I contact them I get nothing back. In a bid to boost my self esteem and to gain the contact I desire I’ve tried internet dating, but find this only worsens how I feel about myself with contacts being not existent, brief, or when I have actually met someone in person for there to be no connection whatsoever, not even on a friend level.

To make things worse I’ve been unable to get out and about much since the start of the year due to my surgery and ongoing physical health problems. I maybe go out once or twice each month. Then my main outlet is to visit a club which is great as I’m a music lover, but not so good for social interaction. I long to be back at my jive class. Even though it didn’t give me everything I was looking for, at least it was a weekly social event outside of work which too little effort on my part to be enjoyable.

I’ve got another operation coming up soon and with this one there’s lots of uncertainty. Either it’ll fix me, be of no benefit, or just make things worse, and it might be a while before I find out which is the case. Even so I’ve got to carry on with life after my two weeks sick leave and try and deal with one of the busiest periods at work up until Christmas. Usually I’d be looking forward to the stress and quick thinking which is required as I tend to thrive in that environment, but this year I’d dreading it. I’ll just have to do what I always do; put on a brave face and smile on through it all.

My seeming lack of ability to help myself snap out of the ways I’m feeling is so frustrating I’ve had the CBT so I should know how to cope. I’ve seen a counsellor recently who I didn’t get on well with so severed my ties there so all I have now is one little pill per day to apparently lift my mood. I debate whether it does anything when I feel like this.

Where I go from here I don’t know. Everyone’s got a breaking point and I’ve nearly reached mine. I’ve tried in the past to get away from my troubles by moving on physically be it by moving job or returning to education. I’ve found that there are some things you just can’t run from and depression is one of those.

Yay I'm on 2 weeks holiday (which actually started yesterday). Also I just had a fab weekend with friends nd have got chatting to a girl through an e-dating website and am just trying to work out when to ask her out. We're very different, but I need the dating practice so why not? Oh, also I have another operation scheduled for the end of June. What fun!

I feel like I'm being played right now and I'm not in the mood for it at all. I've got one of the most important Doctors appointments I've had to date and can't cope with all this other shit going on around me. I can't wait for next weekend to come around when I can be with some of my closest friends who really do care for me.

Damn, if someone could just create a formula for a simple life which would still allow me to be me I'd jump straight on it. As things go each day is difficult.

I'm confused about a lot of things right now. My therapist says that I seem to need to be around people, yet I opt to live be myself and spend most of my time alone. What does that tell you about me? Also there's the whole needing love in my life thing. Why do I think that in some way that if I find someone everything will be just fine and all the problems will go away.

I've been getting urgy recently, something I've not felt in a long time. I'm not going to act upon it as to blemish my skin any further wouldn't do me or anyone else any good and would just start off a new vicious cycle of self harm for the sake of calming myself. I'd rather face the emotions than stamp them out by damaging myself.

Only one week to go until my holidays. I need a break, a change of scene, but then again once it's all over I'll probably be begging for a return to the everyday routine. God I'm a contrary fucker sometimes.

I wish I could write how I'm feeling right now, but I just don't have the words. I'm doing my best to make it through to Friday and my next therapy session. Goddamn I need it.

Where should I start? I guess with Friday. I went to see my counsellor, or rather Psychological Therapist as planned first thing in the morning. She seems nice enough and quite challenging. We got into quite a lot of detail for a first session and I go back and see her in a week and a half’s time. She wants to meet every week, but I’m not so sure I can or want to meet that often. Then in the afternoon some friends came to visit and we went to the park with their little boy.

On Saturday I went to the supermarket first thing, then watched TV for a little bit before 4 hours sat in the park sunning myelf, listening to music and reading magazines. I did get red and a little sunburnt, but the soreness is starting to wear off now and hopefully I’ll go brown.

Then on Sunday I did my washing first thing before driving to a friend’s house for their Mum’s birthday. We sat in the garden all afternoon just chatting with their friends and neighbours who came around before the journey home which nearly did me in I was so tired.

Yesterday was a quiet one at the office and I was absolutely knackered so I went to bed at 9pm. I’m still pretty tired today so haven’t done a whole lot, but I have sorted out my holidays and booked the time off work which is definite progress and needed doing so at least I’ve achieved something.